Unqualified

Nothing happens quickly here in South Africa (except maybe the driving). And my effectiveness here at the Touch Life Centre seems to be a slow process as well. I wish I could report that I have made many wonderful changes and that things are drastically different than when I arrived….but I can’t. Knowing what changes to make is not easy. How to implement the necessary changes is much harder.

Some changes will be a shock to the teachers. Others will go against cultural norms. Some changes that need to be made relate to attitude and others relate to organization. I struggle to prioritize the changes that need to be made. When I think something is important, often it is hard to teach the new skill or mind-set. Or sometimes it is not really as important as I thought it was and somehow the list of priorities is thrown back up into the air and I am back at square one.

I don’t want to fail at this job. I don’t want to fail my family or church. I don’t want to fail all of the wonderful saints who pray for me daily. I especially don’t want to fail the children I’m here to work for. But I must remind myself daily that it is not ME who is doing the work. I am here to serve God. My job is to be available to God so that He can do His work. He is ultimately the one who will do the work in the lives of these children.

The longer I am here the more I mourn the lost chances I had to serve God. I think of all of the things I could have been involved in at home. All of the people I could have invited to church. All of the conversations about God that I avoided with non-believers because I didn’t think I had the answers. I have the answer. He lives in my heart….and I let my doubts and fears prevent me from being available to serve God. So often I said “Lord, I will follow you, but….” (Luke 9:61). I will follow you, but not right now. I will follow you, but not there. I will follow you, but I’m not going to do that. I will follow you, but right now I’m so busy I don’t have the time. I will follow you, but isn’t there someone more qualified?

I pray that God redeems all of the lost moments that could have been used to His glory. I pray that God redeems all the lost opportunities to serve Him. Now that I am finally trying to serve Him, I realize how much joy I lost out on in the past because of my stubborn selfishness. And all of the times I avoiding serving God were purely moments of selfishness! I was too busy, too lazy, too insecure or too hard hearted to step up and fill in where God needed me. I pray that each of these lost chances is redeemed and that I am given more opportunities despite my lack of dependability.

I can’t begin to tell you how many needs there are in this world. And we are the ones God has called to help. We are God’s people. We all have the opportunity to be His hands and feet. I cant imagine how affective we could all be if we would stop giving God excuses and start giving Him our willingness to serve!

For me, it’s a daily (sometimes hourly) commitment to serve. I’m trying so hard not to make excuses. I’m trying not to let the fear of failure hinder my willingness to try. I’m trying to be available to God. I’m not always the best person for the job….but God can use our willingness to do His work. Even though I can’t see quick, drastic changes happening here at the Day Care, I have no doubt that God is working and great things will come with time. I don’t know how these changes will come, but I trust in Him. I trust Him to provide what these children need. I trust Him to prepare the teachers for change. I trust Him to prioritize the changes for me and orchestrate them in spite of me if necessary. I trust Him to do the work that I am not qualified to do. I trust Him.